The last few days, I have been so happy to have been blessed with a husband who is a believer. Because when I am strong, I can help lift him up. And when I am weak, he is there to support me. And when we both collapse or shrink in fear, our God is there with His mighty right hand to lift us up.
This week I have gone through a range of emotions. Maybe it is because we sent the application for the adoption off. Maybe it is because we are working on getting the house 'back in shape' to sell. Maybe it is because I have been drawing like crazy; pictures to try and sell. But for me - it has all seemed futile. It's too long a process - we're better off stopping now before we get started. It's not going to happen - this house is far from the only one for sale now. It's not for us - we don't look as good on paper as we do in person. But then I get excited when I talk to Addison about her new little sister, or see the artwork for Olivia that came in the mail today - she's really out there waiting, isn't she??
Add that to outside issues which have exploded, work related stresses, and the above doubt - and you have a recipe that Satan is chuckling over. A dear friend wrote me last week when she heard of the adoption to say, "prepare yourself, you know that by doing God's work, Satan will be coming after you." And she was right. We just didn't expect it this quickly.
But even when I doubt OUR efforts. I shake my head in denial at OUR attempts. I know that HE is powerful, majestic, and faithful to finish a work that He has started. MY best laid plans will always be lacking unless He is the architect. As Tony keeps telling me, "unless God tells you differently.... this is His will. Nothing changes that."
One of the things I have struggled a bit with is the thought "is this about us? or is it about doing God's will? will this really make a difference in His world? or are we looking for applause and respect?" Then I read this week a comment which hit the idea of adoption home - rescuing one child may not save them all, but the process of adoption serves to open the eyes of so many around you to the need that is there. If we all sit in our air conditioned homes, eating out of our well-stocked pantries, and deny the rest of the world even exists - there never will be a problem, in our own minds or worlds anyway. But to go, to bring back, a beautiful token of that world. A little being who has escaped poverty, disease, and death. Is to open other's eyes to the fact that that little one was not alone. To open other's eyes to see that doing God's will may be hard, and may be painful - but it carries with it a reward and a blessing that you will never know if you don't try. God's will may be for me to be able to gain sweet little Olivia as my daughter, but His greater purpose in bringing her home may be even wider reaching.
Our pastor linked to the following video today which again, brings that idea home. That God commanded us to go. And if not to go, to send others. It's not an option and it's not something I can wash away in doubt or in distrust of my own efforts. Sometimes it just takes a bit for us to remember that. I know I am so guilty of in the past living my own life, just for me. And just because we felt we couldn't afford to support that missionary, or give to that charity, or go on a short term mission's trip - it's not about us and our wants and needs. To not follow His commands, is to disobey. And I never really thought much before about the sin of omission. That He has a plan so much bigger than just me - and it's a plan that He commands us all to hear. Fearful or not, this life is not my own. So I need to quit whining and get to work.
9 I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Halona Blowhole, Sort of
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