Honestly

Just realized it has been about 2 weeks since I posted last. I must lead a boring life.

The truth is - I didn't have much to say to uplift and encourage, or even get a giggle; so I thought it better to not write at all.

Recently I had a comment on my 'lament of my lack of compassion' post which stated that she was glad to read something real. Something honest. So here we go again folks... gotta get real again.

Honesty: a Christian music artist wrote on his blog about a year ago about his major battle with depression and I thought that was one of the most courageous things he could have done. To put it all out there, to confess his weaknesses, was so strong. Especially with his status in the Christian community. To say, "here I am. I'm not a super Christian. I'm having trouble with my faith just like you do." That was strong.

And I have always admired women/mothers who didn't try to be Miss Suzie Homemaker and sell their lives as perfectly perfect with perfectly perfect children, a perfect marriage, and a perfect hair-do to boot.

I would much rather hear about how their baby threw up on them during church, how none of their shorts will button anymore, and how their slipper got stuck on the crud that hadn't been mopped off the kitchen floor in days. Just to know that someone else doesn't mop everyday somehow makes my heart feel good. Honesty.

So here is my sticky crud, my dear bloggy friends - nothing has happened - we still have great, healthy kids - we still have a close, healthy marriage - and we still have good, stable jobs (for the time being anyway..) We are so blessed compared to so many we know. And yet I have to honestly say that I am struggling.

When we started this adoption, we were warned: "watch out, Satan will be attacking you." And it happened, quickly. Like that same week. I'll spare you all the details but in effect, the father of lies put a huge wedge between us and our church family. So we moved on. And then he did it again. And so we moved on. And since that time, we have been searching for a place to belong, a place to worship, a place to rest. And it hasn't happened. To take someone away from the body of believers, is sufficating. The lies we tell ourselves, the paranoia we feel, keep us from finding that resting place. You feel rejected, and very much like the prodigal son. So far from God but knowing you need to somehow go home.

At this point, I miss God. I miss hearing his voice. I miss feeling his presence. I miss opening the Bible and reading exactly what I needed to read. There is a huge void. Yet I know that it is me who left - and Him who is waiting for me to come back closer.....

And then the guilt - knowing that so many have it far worse, and are leaning on Him. So many have so much more to deal with, and they are resting in His arms. And yet, what is my problem? What a bad Christian I must be?? Isn't his power made strong in our weakness? So why do I feel like I am rejecting that help?

So today I got the best message from a friend with a post from a devotional book called "Rain on Me". It spoke of an analogy of God waiting on us in the storm with the umbrella. We can try to run through the downpour - but God is patiently waiting. Saying "I'm walking in the rain with you, and I'm giving you my umbrella."

It went on to say how when you are walking together under an umbrella, to avoid the rain, you must draw near and close to the one holding it vs. wanting to run on our on through that rain as fast as we can. And how "being under God's umbrella isn't a walk through a park on a sunny day. There is an intimacy to it, though, that one day, we may look back on with longing. We've all heard people say, "I'm glad that time in my life is over, but sometimes I miss how close I felt to God."

Not trying to garner sympathy, or words of compassion (for you compassion gifted souls). Just wanted to put out there that I think we all have moments where we struggle. Where we insist on being the spoiled brat pouting and walking soaking wet in the rain while our Daddy is walking beside us, waiting for us to suck it up and step under his umbrella. So honestly, while I wait for this shower to stop, and pray for the storms to pass over me, I know he's still there. And I know where I need to honestly be.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Adoption non-news:

** Ethiopia is officially back to a two-trip country. Once for court and again to pick up your child 2-3 months later.

** Our homestudy is still MIA. As of last week they were still waiting on our background checks to come back. And yes, it was scheduled to be done in February. Thank you for asking.

** we are working on getting lots of stuff together for a mega yard sale to take place sometime this spring. Hopefully more info on that will be coming soon. I delegated the sales portion of this adoption adventure to my salesman hubby. We'll see how long that assignment lasts before I pull rank and 'just do it myself' like all women do.