Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Masterpiece in progress



Oh, how I would love to tell you that I feel just like a newly pregnant woman (minus the throwing up of course).

How I would love to tell you that Tony and I are skipping down this path to adoption arm in arm, singing songs like "Cinderella" or "Butterfly Kisses". But just the thought of Tony skipping kind of makes my forehead wrinkle.

But here's the real picture - misunderstandings, misconceptions, miscommunications. (I would kindly like to suggest we throw away the prefix 'mis' at this time please). Being straight with you - this is a lot harder than we thought it would be. We went into this knowing that trials develop perseverance, we just didn't realize that by trials, God kind of meant more than a sprained ankle or bounced check. He meant more like arrows being thrown at you from every direction when you least expect it.

The Bible speaks 19 times of caring for the orphan or fatherless. It's a mandate. Which means it's a big deal to Him. Which means It is His plan. This week, I finally threw up my hands in emotional exhaustion and declared that there was no way, after the ordeals of the last month, we could last another year and a half, under these pressures. That's when I finally got to the point God wanted me to be. Dependent on Him and not me. In my brokenness, I finally woke up and saw the light.

All in one evening, I cried till my eyes were red and puffy and then -

God spoke through a CD a friend gave me that night, a song by Devin Williams with the words: "I live my life for you cause you gave your life for me. At your feet I bow and worship. You are the one I love, you are the one I need. Into your hands I surrender, I surrender all to you."

He spoke through a perfectly timed email from a true Proverbs 31 woman, whose never even met me - "Satan will not be allowed access to you for the duration of every minute of this process, I promise. He's just got to try for awhile to make you doubt your decision, and he'll try some more with each major hurdle you cross. God allows it because He knows that through it you will learn to depend on Him more."

And then He spoke in a random conversation with a friend about how stupid the Israelites must have been to see the plagues hit Egypt, the Red Sea split in two, the cloud and fire following them day and night. And then for them to still - turn to something as dumb an idol as a golden calf. They had God right in front of them and still felt they needed to try to make things work on their own.

Hmmm, later I woke up and realized. I AM AN ISRAELITE. I saw God provide every dollar we needed for my trip to Ethiopia last year. I saw God provide every dollar we needed, in exact amounts and order we needed them for the first phrase of this adoption. What right do I have to set up my own idol, myself and my own performance, to put before Him? Adoption is a work of art, designed by God. To bring together children and parents designed for each other from near or far. I just have to have faith that this is His work of art, not mine. And He will work out the colors, the techniques, and the brushstrokes all in His time. I am only the paintbrush - here only as an instrument to do His perfect will. But then I am the one who gets to cherish that masterpiece in my own home, and what an amazing gift that will be.
Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord. And He will give you the desires of your heart."

1 comment:

Katie Funk Goodwin said...

Mark and I are praying for you guys! It will all work out according to God's will. BTW, you've got a letter in the mail.