Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Stuck in a phone booth

Ever have the feeling that you could just dive face-down into a 10 gallon vat of chocolate chip mint ice cream and just stay there until your nose fell off? Or maybe sit and soak in a hot tub until your fingers become paper thin and wrinkled beyond recognition? Just me, huh??

Beware - the following is a rant. If you are currently sunshine and lollipops, you may want to hit that back button immediately:
I'm not getting life. How the weather can be absolutely perfect here in South Carolina, trips to the ball field relaxing and fun, children behaving themselves, and still it just seems so darn dark...

I can get 3 kids sponsored for Compassion, but be so bummed about the other 37 still in a box.

I can witness on-line to so many of you and sometimes even receive positive responses... and still witness to another and get an emotional equivalent of a door slammed in my face.

I have a job where I play with babies for Heaven's sake! And yet I have to force myself to smile somedays..

I have a great church we are members of, and yet I have Sundays without feeling or emotion, much less true worship..

I can have a wonderful home, great car, decent clothes, and yet I am so weary of vacuuming, washing, and putting away that I feel like a chambermaid on minimum wage...

I live in a country where we (for the time being) are allowed to worship where we want, say what we want, and be who we want; and I dwell on all the freedoms that we are slowly loosing. Feeling like everyone else is oblivious to our downward spiral and I'm the idiot on the street corner yelling at the passer-byers...

I have 'friends' on facebook, blogger friends, a couple followers, but still don't have the closeness it seems everyone else must have...

I think that's why the internet is so addicting - you can sprint away - read about someone else's life - research about something you will never do - escape...

I'm not looking for sympathy. Not looking for "I'll pray for you" responses. Just needing a moment to purge, I guess.

A guess I just feel like I'm superwoman whose stuck in the phone booth, knowing I have a job to do, but being too weak to get the stupid door to open. Looking great in appearances but sitting there feeling trapped and hopeless. I'm just glad I have a Higher Power that's gonna come around tomorrow, or the next day, or the next - and will tear that door off the hinges. Now if I could only remember the number to call Him???


Abbie H. said...

I'll totally pray for you....haha! sorry, I couldn't resist!

Sorry you are having a bit of a down time. You wouldn't be the only one in the chocolate chip mint ice cream or the hot tub. I'd love to join you for either of those!

I can relate to so many of the things you mentioned and in different ways with others.

For me, the ones that stand out the most are the internet parts. It's a difficult place in some ways. It's friends that you can't see in person to see them smile at you and you know that you mean something. In the internet world, the person has to take the time to say so and unfortunately, often doesn't. And for me, almost all the time I take it personally.

I've been SO guilty of not being around lately. For instance, I had to take care of all my emailing needs and then it's off to try to get caught up on all my blog reading. Seems like that is a regular thing anymore. I haven't been taking the time for all the little things lately and I hate that. I haven't even written much of anything on our Bible study blog the last few weeks. I get in ruts that keep me from keeping up and more of a place under a rock and I feel like I let people down or hurt their feelings for not being around. It's unfortunately easier with people you don't see daily. I even do this with God at times since He doesn't look me in the face daily, weekly, monthly. Sometimes, it all seems too much to take and I even shut Him out-the one I need the most.

I know I've told you several times about how much I've enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have (I'm sappy so you just have to deal on that one! haha!). You have a heart for the poor--not pity, but true compassion and I love that about you. I've loved venturing with you as you went on your trip and seeing how it has changed your life to want to do more.

I'm glad you decided to purge-makes me feel a bit more human.

Love you girl!

oohhh, BTW-Whooohooooo about the 3 children sponsored!!!

jamie b said...

thanks for coming by my blog and entering to win the 30 day shred. i just finished day 6 and my arms are shaking! :) it works girl! hope you win!