Monday, February 6, 2012

The Pessimistic's Perception on Wait Times

At this point - I could go back and link up to the top 10 depressing posts of the last 2 years as we waited for our referral. And there were a few standouts.

crying out that we could go no longer
questioning why it was taking so much longer than it should
pouting about how long it was taking

And that's not counting all the 'it should be X many months!!', 'we DEFINITELY will have our baby home in 2011!!', 'yeah, we've been waiting X months!!'. All those and my cheerleader optimism kind of makes me snort now.

And I could list all the comments and encouragements we received in the last months - those that helped, and those that after hearing them for the 1,324,532th time in a year, started to make me throw up just a little in the back of my throat:

It's all in God's timing. God's timing is perfect. Good things come to those who wait. Have you heard anything yet? She's just not ready yet. You'll forget all this once you see her face.

But no, I haven't forgotten. Do I believe in God's timing? YES. A resounding YES. Have I forgotten the tears, the pain, the feeling that God had left us out to dry? NO. A resounding NO.

BUT. What I can tell you - and especially any of you who are in the Hell that is adoption waiting - is that it will pass. And you will be happy you were made to wait.

Last fall I was feeling so defeated... we had counted on a 2011 baby. And a friend got her referral for a gorgeous little girl. And then another got her referral for a teeny tiny little girl. I turned a light shade of green with envy.

I've now seen those two girls. They are NOT my girl.

Right before Christmas, we were praying for a Christmas baby. A dear friend got her referral for another precious little munchkin. Or big munchkin to be exact! Why couldn't we have a Christmas baby to celebrate over I pouted? I've seen that girl.  I've held and kissed that baby girl.  She is NOT my girl.

In late December, we got wind of another teeny tiny little girl. I was #1 on the list and KNEW that was our girl. Our referral was not that teeny tiny little girl. I've seen that precious girl.  Cuddled her close.  She is NOT my girl.

But I look at MY GIRL. Every night I look at her photos. They scroll through my album like a mini-movie just for me. And THAT is MY GIRL. My heart feels her. My heart aches for her. Hurts for her when I heard she was sick. Cries tears for her to think she doesn't have her mommy to hold her feverish body. That is MY GIRL.

Is it because our names are attached? A couple files matched up? No, I don't think so.. I think it is because of the true miracle of adoption - and how God prepares your heart for just the right child. And those other babies, while amazingly cute - their puzzle pieces just wouldn't have fit mine. And that is amazing to me.

So while I hurt for all those 'stuck', who haven't seen their littles yet. And ache for that puzzle piece sized hole in your heart to be filled - I have to tell you - at the risk of making you throw up a little in the back of your throat: I was one of the WORST waiters. I was pessimistic. I was not encouraging. I was frankly, pretty pissed at the whole process. But God's timing is perfect.

Would I trade it, to have another child's picture taking residence in my purse, on my mantel, in my kitchen, on my computer, in my heart 6 months or a year ago? No. Because MY little wasn't born a year ago when I was praying, hoping, knowing that our referral would come any day. But God's timing is perfect.

I have no idea why we were THE group that had their i600 requests lost in a monstrous stack at USCIS for 3 months, putting us 3 months behind the crowd. Or why we were in THE group that got stuck in what will be known as the Great Ethiopian Adoption slowdown. But I know God's timing is perfect. And I know he was here all along - smiling at me, his pessimistic, frankly-a-little-pissed-off toddlerish daughter - holding my hand, and telling me he had it all under control.

It is 27 days til I hold MY GIRLS hand, and cry when I have to let her go. And hate having to wait to go back and get her. And not understanding why things are taking as long as they are. But, I will try.... I'll try... to remind myself then - that God's timing is perfect. And he'll still be holding my hand. I know it, because I am HIS GIRL.
(That's my girl holding a bracelet that I made SIX years ago. I had given it to my friend Jerry as we left Ethiopia from a week of visiting Compassion International projects. After being told that week that, "You are not here by accident. You are here for a reason. For you to have come to Ethiopia, at this time, this year, in 2009 - not last year, not the year after - is not an accident. God has his plan for you. Remember that."

Hmm, sound familiar?)


Courtney said...

Thank you so much for your unencouraging encouragement:) I have come to grips with reality...God's timing is perfect...but that does not mean there will not be pain and trial along the way. I am so excited that YOUR wait time is over and that we can be inspired by you and other families throughout OUR wait!

The Haskins' said...

What a great post. We have heard and know that it is God's perfect timing but most of the time I don't act like I know that. I love how you knew that those were not your girls. That helps me make more sense of God's perfect timing. Thanks for your post. Becky Haskins

Krohn Family said...

THANK you for your truth and honesty! I totally needed to hear and be reminded that GOD is truly in charge and will carry us through. My head often know these truths...sometimes my heart just hurts in the wait! So happy for your fam and am excited to see pics!!