Seamless Transition

"it is so, so rare that I see a child who transitions so seamlessly" -- these, my friends were the words of our social worker at our first post-adoption visit.

Oh.my.word.  I was all smiles, all day.   As I told Tony, yes - I knew she was doing good.  But to hear it from a professional, that made it so much more real!

(and in answer to the question I am getting quite frequently - 'why more home study visits, she isn't yours yet?  can they still take her away?'  NO.  She is legally ours, although we needed this homestudy report to re-adopt in the states to change her name to Olivia as it is still Selamawit legally.   The visits are more to check on us and see if we have any questions, need any support - and more importantly - will be sent on to Ethiopia to let them know their child is in a loving home.)

Our social worker also kept saying "I am just in shock!" at her bonding, her words, her following any direction we gave her.   And I think we have been a little in shock as well.   And don't think for a second this is due to us being great parents, because there are tons of parents way more patient and wise than Tony and I who are still having difficulties adjusting with their little ones.  I just think God knew that we needed an easy adoption, as I had thrown enough temper tantrums during the 3 years leading up to her!  I think he may have been tired of hearing me whine.   

So back to our rare child... and rare she is!! 
(these facts are more for my future reference than yours but feel free to read on or scroll down for some videos of our little ham!)

- At one day in my care, she would not go to my sister or mom and would scream outside my bathroom door or at the door of the shower.   How did she know I was hers and not my sister??
- On day two, she pulled away from the nannies who have been taking care of her for 5 months when they reached for her.

At 4 months:
- she is toddling - everywhere!   Climbing steps, sitting on her bum to scoot back down them.    Climbing up on stairs.
- she is eating - everything!  Fruit, pasta, pieces of meat, some veggies.
- she is signing - A TON!   She is using the signs:  milk, dog, eat, cold, bird, water, music, butterfly, please, cookie, sleep.   And for the first time today, looked at me and signed "LOVE + YOU"!!!
- she is talking - ALOT.   She can say on her own:  dada, mama, (ba)nana, Addi, Nana, cookie, baby, water, up, down, Papaw, dog, no, ow, diaper, hat, hot, hello (for the phone), book, bath.

- I kinda gave her a speech test to see where she ranked and she was above average.  At 2 months home :)

Lil sis is just so, so much fun.  And so, so loud.   Her words are loud enough for the neighbors to hear.   ESPECIALLY in a restaurant or church.   If it's quiet - she feels it is her duty to be loud.  

We have still seen a little bit of 'adoptive child' reactions but they are getting better.  She was originally scared to death of average sized men.  She would climb me like a scared cat if a young guy came in the room.   This hasn't happened in a while.   She had done great for 2 Sundays in the church nursery so on visit #3 I didn't check on her after 5 min of her doing fine.   I came back to find her doing her 'sniffling' really, really upset cry.   The remainder of that week she was SO clingy and didn't want me to leave the room.    And she is sort of that way after a week of me working a lot.  In the evenings, she just wants me to hold her - which is kind of hard with 3 others who have homework and need to eat.   Showers have gotten better with her now sitting at my feet vs. screaming at my feet to be picked up.  Ever try washing your hair with one hand and a toddler on your hip??  Not the easiest thing ever!!

Here are a couple videos to make you smile :)  Cause we do most of the day and we ought to share a little....

'You outta write a book....'

.... except for the minor fact that I haven't been able to effectively write a simple blog post since bringing home Lil' Olivia - much less start a huge undertaking such as a book.    Lil' Miss HATES the computer.   If I sit down in front of one, it doesn't matter what she was doing - her mission is to do her little drunk lady walk over to me and whine to be picked up. 

But, I've now been told I should write a book around 7 times in the last several months.   Usually it is right after I hear the question 'What made you decide to adopt from Ethiopia?' and I commence to exhibit diarrhea of the mouth with my 5 minute prepared service announcement regarding how we got on and sailed down (in the rough waters) our path of adoption and God's provision on getting us there.. See 'our story' to the right for said announcement.

(oh, and 8 people if you count Braeden, out of the blue, telling me I should write a children's book.  Which is a little more tempting as 10 lines vs. 4,587 lines just seems a little easier...)

SO.  With that said - I am here to make amends and write a simple blog post.   Just to show myself I still can.  

Olivia and the last 2 months --- what can I say besides amazing, miraculous, surprising??

To adopt we (as in me) had to read a couple books (and then give Tony the Cliff notes version), take a web course, and go through about 12 hours of training with our social worker.   Nothing prepared me for our little princess..  because she is completely a horse of a different color.   So far anyway.

Princesses First Birthday Pics - 1 Month HOME

I expected long nights of her up screaming and refusing to be comforted by us.  Kicking or pushing us away.   I didn't expect, from night one, her searching for us and waking just to make sure we were still there.   Wanting us to pick her up and cuddle her back to sleep.

Our Gotcha Day - May 7th, 2012 

I expected battles over food with bottles and spoons being pushed away.  I didn't expect this child to eat anything I put in front of her.  Even salmon cakes.   And spinach.   And no, you do not need to call DSS on me.  I've given her french fries and she had her first taste of cotton candy yesterday as well thankyouverymuch.

I expected the need to 'cocoon' and limit our outings for a couple months.  I didn't expect her to be completely at ease at church, sleepovers out of state, at the beach or movies.   As long as we are near her, she is at home and perfectly content to be there.    Now those first few days, me walking into the bathroom or shower resulted in complete melt-downs.   And I currently still usually have a little one at my feet in the shower or face to face with me while I'm in the bathroom.   A little TMI?  Hey, every mother reading this knows what I'm talking about!

Our happy little American citizen in Washington, DC

I expected the need to make sure we were the only ones to comfort her, feed her, attend to her needs.  The need to make sure she knows that WE are her mommy and daddy.  And not every other adult.   I didn't expect her to reject the nannies on our second day of having her, or push away from every Ethiopian that spoke to her on the plane.   I didn't expect her to plaster herself against me when someone puts out their arms to hold her.   Or to now, 2 months later, be comfortable enough to go to others for brief moments before wanting me again.

Our airport welcome crew, minus the photographers I absolutely love for dragging their children 2 hours just to show us some love - Keely and Farrah.

I guess my biggest surprise is how I expected how HARD the adjustment would be.   But once again, God showed me that 'He's got this'.   He knew that with 3 other kids, and my lack of the patience he had been trying to teach me the last 3 years - I might need a tiny bit of 'simple'.   If you can say mothering 4 children is simple.   (I expect the tougher times to begin hitting around this time next year at age 2.)  And yes, we have had the adjustment of getting up earlier, adjusting to a new baby and all the related paraphernalia..  but really, it's just like we woke up on May 13th, the morning after we came home - and our one year old baby was standing up with her cheesy grin in the crib beside us.   As if she had been there forever.   She knows we are hers, and we know she is ours.   And it just fits perfectly and is more beautiful than I could describe in a simple blog post anyway.  

Miss Personality at 10 days home.

As a post script, let me say that NOT all adoptions work out this simply at first.   And it doesn't mean they aren't God-willed.  And it doesn't mean that they are any less of a parent than I am or that their precious new one is any less of an angel than ours.   It just means that God knew they had more patience than I and could handle the more complicated cases while we still needed the preschooler's course in adoption.  

30-some years old

In the early hours of my 30-somethingish birthday,  someone may have over-indulged on my brew of choice and drank a little too much Mt. Dew with her cheap pizza tonight.   A party animal I am..

So reflection/confession time. 

Things you may not know about me:

• I HATE my birthdays.  Like really hate.   I don't know why but I am so uncomfortable with the attention and would rather the day went by unnoticed.   I think it is because having a summer birthday, most of my friends were usually at the beach and it was all the expectation of presents or 'Happy Birthday, I just miss you soooo much!' calls that never came and the downer after.  
•  I also HATE singing the 'Happy Birthday song'.  My children have been blessed to have their Daddy sing it or it would never be started and nobody would know when to blow the blasted candle out.   Thank goodness I make really, like really, good cakes.
• I have yet to see a psychiatrist for my Happy Birthday phobia.   And I'm dealing with it fine, thank you very much.
• Voted 'most changed since junior high as I went from a homely little one who was said to look like 'a little owl' and had never been given a boy's Swatch watch to wear (HUGE let-down in the day), to the Vice President of Student Council.
• Worked at Sonic as a car-hop, without the skates.   It was required I learn in 2 weeks after hiring but after falling on my tail too many times, I risked firing as I turned my white skates in with a 'no thank you note'.    Thank goodness I was hot so they let me stay on and drink free Cherry Lime-Aids to my heart's content.
• Did the beauty pageant wave in 3 home-town parades on the back of a convertible mustang.   
• Participated in 2 pageants - one of which I won (with only two competitors) and was crowned 'Miss BBQ Queen'.  The other of which had to be rigged cause I didn't even place runner-up.   Still a little bitter bout that one.
• If I show you my owl pictures and my pageant pictures you would swear I was a liar.  I can promise you that.   I was a reality make-over show before reality make-over shows came on every other hour on cable tv.
• I fell in puppy love with a jock who was my bus driver and sat behind him drooling over his shoulder every day of my sophomore year.   Shocker is that my pageant days had not yet hit and he still flirted with the little owl anyway.
• Even more a shocker was that the bus driver turned Navy Sailor would come and visit the non-skating-Sonic-carhop who was now hot on his weekends off.    
• Even more a shocker was that we got married between my Junior and Senior years of college at a party school.   Was I trying to throw away my free pass at being-an-idiot-years??

So in my last 15-17 adult years I have pretty successfully:

• married my high school crush, and stayed married to him - SCORE
• Made it through graduate school as a married student who never saw her new husband, and still stayed married to him - SCORE++
• Been pregnant and gave birth to 3 beautiful children.  Each through the magical moments of epidural deliveries.   And do not regret never doing it naturally.  Not one iota.   And my hair and make-up still looked good for after birth photos.   So there.  Another +. 
• Did my tour of duty in the public schools before starting my own business.   Loving the work I do but hating every minute of the required paperwork and labor it takes to get paid.   I think I need an epidural drip for my office chair. 
• Made three trips to Africa.  The first completely 'on my own' with a group of strangers who were to become life-long friends.  My longest (and only) plane ride prior had been approximately 45 minutes to Florida.  On my honeymoon.
• Fell in love with Africa and began the short, but turned out to be long, process to adopt our daughter from there.   And realized that natural labors are bound to be much easier than adoption pregnancies.   Why is there no option for medication in adoption labor??  oh wait, there is - it's called anti-depressants....  
• Have realized anti-depressants are not the enemy.  They help me to curb my desire to yank my eyebrows out if I have to wait too long at a stoplight during my week when Tony feels compelled to ask 'are you PMSing!!!!'   Why yes, hubs, yes I am.   Did the chocolate ring around my mouth give it away??
• Have realized that said chocolate doesn't fall off my thighs as easily in 2010's as it did in the 2000's.  Dang it.

I have also realized that I am the daughter of a King.  A fact I think I somehow missed in my early years.   I thought I was good to go to the party but really was one of the virgins stuck outside the gates with a lamp with no oil.   (Matt 25:9-11 for an explanation of the virgin reference)  

And my only regret (besides letting Dave Ramsey advise us to move our deductibles really high before a hailstorm which wrecked our cars and roof..) is that I started it all so late in the game...

How much more could I have done if my passion, or light, had been lit earlier?   How many more miracles could I have been able to witness had I opened my eyes earlier? 
How many more friends, true friends, could I have made if I had searched them out sooner?
How would my life have changed if I had let loose and given it over to HIM at a younger age?

Somehow I don't think things would be much different because one thing that it did take me 3 years in the adoption race to learn is that HIS TIMING IS PERFECT and patience is hard learned.    So I guess He has me right where he wants me and the above bullets are exactly where he wanted 'em to be...

just wondering where the next 20 years may take me.   Cause my fire is lit now, and I pray that my path will be as well. 

Happy Birthday to me... if I celebrated birthdays that is.

Not all adopted kids have AIDS... but so what if they do??

Olivia has been home now a month and a half!   She is so healthy, so happy, and just exudes such joy to everyone who meets her.   She's gone to the farm, to the beach, to the mountains, and even (gasp) to the grocery store since she has been home.   I had expected it would be harder... and I know I should  be knocking on wood here.  But I thought her  transition would involve many more tantrums and the feedback from our little Southern town would be less than enthusiastic.  

But it hasn't been that at all.  Strangers (black, white, old, young) have frequently stopped us to comment how beautiful she is and we haven't had a single negative public comment as of yet.   Again, knocking on wood.  I'm still expecting to meet that idiot at Wal-Mart who starts out with 'Where's her real mama?' (ahem, I am her real mama.  I have thousands in dr. bills to prove it.)

The one comment that has knocked me on my behind is 'well, she doesn't have AIDS does she??'    Because obviously, she is from Africa.... and well, everyone knows AIDS comes from Africa. 
 So all black African children must have AIDS.  (insert eye roll)

And let me start by answering - no, adopted children are tested before, and often after, adoption to find out any conditions that may be present.    There have been cases of false positives, but not negatives.  If they don't have it, it does not 'mature' and exhibit itself at a later date.   Decades of research, decades.

But let me also say, if my child did have HIV - #1 it wouldn't really be anyone else's business but ours.. and #2 your child would most likely be the dangerous of the two when they play together as it would be your germs that could hurt my child's fragile immune system.   Just sayin'.

It is pure idiocracy that the media has ignored this issue for so long.  No new information has been publicized since the 1980s.  And that is a crime.  HIV/AIDS is no longer a death sentence.  Especially in a country as affluent as the old US of A.   Medicines have made great strides and the condition, and treating it, has actually been said to be much easier to manage than childhood diabetes.   So why hasn't the media told us this???    Children diagnosed with AIDS can now be medicated to the point that they would actually test negative their counts are so low.  They can marry, and have sex, and have children without passing the disease along.   Didn't know that did ya??

Why is there still the stigma put on these children, who had no say in the matter anyway as to whether they contracted the disease or not??  Why are they the ones that parents don't want their kids to play with on the playground - when no cases have shown casual contact like hugging, wrestling, or swimming can transmit AIDS??  There are even no cases of an adopted child passing the disease along to their parents or siblings - even with contact with blood from accidents or scrapes.

So IF my child WERE sick:
The facts are that unless your toddler is planning on having sex with my toddler, they can't get it.
Unless you toddler is breastfeeding from my toddler, they can't get it.
Unless your toddler is sharing needles under the plastic slide with my toddler, they can't get it.

And let me take another wild guess that your child would not be giving birth to mine as that is the ONLY other way to get it, and happens to be the way that the majority of orphans abroad contracted the disease. 

So back to Africa - yes - the rates are high.  But they are also high in the Ukraine and Russia, worried about that little blond boy at the playground lately??   His mom has dark hair, he might be adopted?  Who knows?  

These orphans in other countries have a very good chance of dying from childhood illnesses they contract in the crowded orphanages.  These children in the US have a much better chance of leading long and healthy lives.   These children were orphans, and throughout scripture it says to defend the orphans, so how Christ-like are people who call themselves followers of Christ who are shunning these children like they have leprosy??   I'm pretty sure a guy I look up to ate with them as well...  

So NO, not all black, adopted children from Africa have AIDS. 
But if they did, so what?   My children have played with children with HIV in America and in the African orphanages, and you know what, I don't know which ones had it and which ones didn't.  And my kids could have cared less either.  So, so what?  

This awesome video explains the above in a much more friendly way - without the aggravated tone I was unable to hide:

Truth Pandemic


There is no excuse for ignorance.
Get the FACTS: 
take the time to browse Project Hopeful's website.  They have been making tremendous strides in trying to educate the public and defend the orphan.

Blame it on the Rain

Written a few weeks back, and just now finished (cause I've kinda been a bit busy)

People have asked me - 'how did your kids do in Africa?' Amazing. Great. They loved it. Seth was begging me to take him back for trip #2. My response, "Bud, if you go back; you will fail 6th grade." I think he would have been ok with that...

Braeden prayed yesterday for the guard at the guest house who had played soccer with them to be safe (and to dream about them).   One of the boys woke up a couple nights after we returned home and said he had had a bad dream that he was one of the boys living on the streets.   These are the feelings I had hoped they would feel.    Eyes opened with new vision.

Addison, I thought, just went with the flow. She saw dirt, and poverty. But she also saw kids. And she played. And saw hippos. I thought she was too young to really process and learn a lot from this trip but there was no way I was leaving her at home. But I didn't think she would 'get it' - that life lesson I wanted the boys to learn. But oh, was I wrong.  One night after our trip (prior to bringing Olivia home)  while  coming out of the movies, it was a torrential downpour. Like the kind where you get soaked to the bone even with an umbrella. The streets were flooded instantly and Daddy had to go and get the car for us from across the street. As we waited underneath the overhang of the Little Theatre, her eyes went big and she had that look of terror. "Mommy! What about Olivia!??!! What will happen to her in all this rain???" So I explained that Olivia will be fine. It was not raining that exact moment in Ethiopia, and even if it were, Olivia would be nice and warm inside the transition home. To which her eyes got big again and she asked, "but what about all the little boys who live on the street??? Where will they go!!??!!!" To which I had no soothing answer.

 Because there are so, so many little boys living on the streets of Addis.   And big boys. Sleeping in the medians.  And old people. And handicapped. And mothers with babies and toddlers huddled under their shawls.  

 And it is now the rainy season in the city of Addis.   A necessity for crop production but a season which brings tropical storm type winds and heavy rains almost every day.  And where DO they go?  And why don't we care as much as my 6 year old??? 

And even for some 'lucky' enough to have shelter.... how much shelter from torrential downpours can this be? 

 homes we passed on the way up Mt. Entoto

On those nights when I complain about my back hurting from our super thick mattress... or I complain about having to pay to have a brand new roof put on our house after our last one was damaged...  I stop myself and thank God; for blessed doesn't even seem to describe our affluent lives.....

Destined

And just a reminder:  the art was painted in Oct, 2011 by Katie Bradley from Mossy Rock Designs.   Olivia Selam would have been around 4-5 months then.    You can go to Katie's shop to purchase other children's prints and support her adoption of her little girl as well.

She has never seen Olivia and sent the print to me a month BEFORE our referral to cheer me up.  It still cheers me up to see how perfect and planned she was for our family!!

Why my baby may live in a sling..

Just so you don't think we are being stingy with Olivia.  Or overprotective.  Or rude.   Parenting an adopted child looks a lot different than parenting a biological child.  Especially at almost one year of age.

So a brief summary of our new daughter:

We arrived in Addis Ababa on Monday morning. After not sleeping much on the plane with sleeping pills and Melatonin on board I asked 'should we bring Olivia home today? Or wait til tomorrow when we are more rested?' We/I decided we would wait and see how she reacted to us and if she was very skittish, we would let her stay at the Transition Home one more night. Turns out she did great with us!  She was a little scared at first but within an hour was smiling and playing so I decided to take her with us even though the little Livvie that loved being held by mommy from our court trip wasn't quite back yet.

As soon as we entered the guest house, her fear level went through the roof. Big eyes. Scared cry. Big tears. Even though she was ok with me holding her, she was just so, so scared.   Clinging to me with wide eyes.

And now, almost a week later - She is extremely attached. Extremely to the point of me not being able to take a shower or go to the bathroom without her screaming. And I mean screaming. Loud! If I stand up, she clings to my legs and cries to be picked up. If she is on the floor, she wants to be sitting in my lap.   She is scared to death of falling asleep in her portacrib.  She finally has a mother and is so scared that I might not be permanent.   Although today, with our last official Embassy appointment - she is definitely permananet. 

Her official birth certificate with Tony and Tracy Wages listed as her parents. 

So what does that mean for the coming weeks/months?

- Olivia has been abandoned by those that loved her at least three times in the last 11 months.  So while she is attaching to me great.  And loves me.  She doesn't understand or know for sure that I am forever.   So we have to teach her that WE are her parents and not just another shift of nanny care.  Which means WE will need to be the ones to comfort her when she is upset, give her her bottles, and feed her. 

- She also doesn't understand that every new stranger may not be a new 'mom' or 'dad' wanting to take her away.  So she gets very serious when strangers talk to her and will cry if taken or held.  It has taken a week for my sister and mom to be able to hold her without her crying just so I can go to the bathroom.  So you can imagine that she would not be comfortable with lots of different people holding her at church or the ballfield.   I will be trying to keep her in the sling as much as possible to assure her that she is attached to me/us.

- Just as she became very scared as we enter new places here, she will get very anxious with new and unfamiliar places outside of our home.  So aside from 'have to' appointments and places for the next several weeks, we will be trying to limit how much transition she is exposed to, to help build her trust.  If she settles in great.  But if not, we may need to limit church, grocery stores, park outings, etc.

- And just as this new mommy came and took her away from the nannies that she loved.   She may have trouble adjusting to new people coming to our home to see her as she will not understand or know if that means she is being taken away or not.   So we may have to limit visitors as well for a time.  And all the above is up to Olivia, not us.   If she begins to settle in great.  Is showing that she is attaching to our family vs every family.   Is sleeping without night terrors or screaming fits of fear, we will be able to return to our 'old' chaotic, crazy lives much quicker.  But all that is up to her little emotions.

So please don't think we are hogging our new baby, not wanting to share her gorgeous smile.   Or that we are withdrawing completely from all our friends and family.  It's just that until we see what this little fragile 11 month old mind and soul can handle - we don't want to expose her to more stress and anxiety than absolutely necessary.   Which is why she may hang out safely in my sling for the next few weeks.  At least she is loving it now.   Kind of hard to take a shower with a 22 lb baby attached though...

We love you all and thank you so much for the many prayers and support we have received in the past, almost 3 years.   She is finally coming home.  Praise the Lord!!!