And we are.....

After almost 15 months of watching our phone with longing.... and begging it to play the stupid little song set aside only for our adoption agency....

we are now going to be obsessively watching our phone everyday..... and begging, no pleading, no - crying, praying, for it to play the stupid little song set aside for our adoption agency....

it's enough to make one go crazy...

(too late, right??) I think I gladly put on the crazy crown and became the queen of crazy when:

#1 I married Tony
#2 I gave birth to three little Tonys
#3 I said yes to our fourth little wild one, who will finally NOT look like Tony.

So what does #1 mean??

besides me taking my phone into the bathroom and having it turned on full volume for the unforeseeable future?

It means that the next little girl that our agency has, which is under 12 months of age, who is completely well, and has every last piece of her paperwork tucked snuggly in her fat file -- will then be matched with our family as we are #1 in line. But we do covet your prayers as it has just been the rainy season in Ethiopia which often brings with it illness and infections for the little ones. And Olivia has to be completely well for us to receive her referral. And with so many new paperwork requirements, it is taking so much more time to get a child's paperwork ready to go as our agency often has to drive many hours to try to track down an abscure person or office to sign off on or provide needed information.

It also means that when that baby is all ready to go, we will get a phone call from our family coordinator. It could be a Monday, but most often is towards the end of the week on Thurs or Friday... often near the end of day (so as not to cause too much stress and anticipation, right?) She will call, I will cry, we will get Tony on three-way call (hopefully) and she will then describe our new daughter. We will then rush to get the 3 littles and run home, screaming all the way, to open our email with the photos that will be enlarged and pasted all over the house. And in the car. And in our wallets. And possibly enlarged as an 8 X 10 around my neck. Possibly.

It also means that she is 'matched' with us. But NOT ours yet. So we cannot show her photo on the blog or internet as legally, she is not ours at that time. We will then wait for 1-3 months until we can get a court date and then travel to Ethiopia to meet her and appear before a judge affirming our desire to adopt her. Only 50% of families pass on their court date. So we may find out that day that she is our daughter, or we may have to come home and wait the excruciating time necessary to complete more paperwork and finally pass court. And then, and only then, will Olivia be OUR daughter and we will be able to post photos and more information.

And then we wait some more time - possibly 2-3 more months, for the US Embassy in Ethiopia to review our case and either pass us on and issue us (me) an appointment for her visa interview and passport; or then request more information, and once again - have us wait....

So the wait's not over... not by a long shot... but at least we are finally seeing the beginning of the tunnel.

It's funny - a friend just told me that we are "blazing the trail for those who would dare doubt the soverignty and might of God..." However, I told him I think we are more, "blindly and clumsily hacking our way at the bush with a machete." We'll get there one day but it ain't gonna be pretty.

Someday soon friends, someday soon. We pray. But in the meantime, we can bask in the joy of being #1. And hope it is a very, very short stay at the top..

Precious Photos

May I just point out the precious children captured in this perfect photograph??

And may I also point out the status of how valuable a digital camera is with 3 children?? And the sheer beauty of capturing the perfect picture? When you have faces like these ------

With these gorgeous eyes ---------


Or these loving looks ---------




And these award-winning smiles -----------


Or with expert (but unplanned) prop placements ----------------


It's only with the most precious photos that we capture the preciousness of these children ----

6 snaps to get 1 good shot...
can you imagine how much footage I'll go through when we increase the child number to 4??? Although if you evaluate the above, I think it may be one child in particular that I am having the most difficulty with??

Mustard Seed Faith

So it's taken me a good week to write this blog... cause I knew I needed to. But I didn't want to. Cause it's embarassing. And I knew to tell you the good thing I learned, I would have to confess to you the bad things I said. And that's not easy. But God said 'write' so now I write. "I just want to stop. I don't want to do this anymore!" Not the words that any child, anywhere, should have their parents say about them. But words that poured out of my soul 2 weeks ago. Out of a soul that was hurting, that was grieving, that was giving up in a snotty, exhausted fit of tears. So don't judge me too fast. Don't tell me I'm not fit to be her parent. That I haven't fought hard enough - cause let me tell you friends, 2 years is a long time to have your boxing gloves on. How could I give up on my daughter when we are so close??? (All these comments by the way, went through MY mind). But you see, our baby Olivia, at that moment - didn't exist to me any more. She was a dream. A beautiful dream that God had given me two years ago that was not destined to come to fruition. So to me, it felt like she had blown away like a vapor. An image I had created in my own mind. I should have ran, without stopping, to my Heavenly Father. Clinging to my current life verse as if it were a small island in the midst of a storm. But I didn't. So much for this strong Christian example. Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear; I will help you." Or how 'bout my other current verse of the day - written down in my car and read almost daily?? Did I go there? Nope. Jeremiah 17:7-8 "Blessed is the (wo)man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. (S)he will be like a tree that is planted by the water who sends out its roots into the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought; but never fails to bear fruit." But finally, after a day of pouting, and crying, with fear AND worrying (good to know those verses sunk in my thick brain, huh?)... I prayed the next morning on the way to church for God to just talk to me that morning. Let me hear His voice. Let me know if I had heard him wrong 2 years ago. Let me know if we were making a big mistake. If it was time to turn the ship around. First a great sermon - but nope, no 'ah-ha' moments. And then after, during the invitation, the pastor goes off to a different tune sung just for me, something to the tune of: "The enemy does not want you to be happy. He is a liar. He wants you to be unhappy. He does not want you to fulfill the purpose God has for you..... stand strong... run from the darkness and into the light." And then, the next song - again, just for me: 

 The verses saying "YOU wont relent until you have it all.... my heart is yours...... come be the fire inside of me" So it hits me.... IF God isn't going to give up until His purpose is fulfilled.... and IF I claim to be His child, with Him taking residence in my heart..... and IF He is the fire inside of me..... than who am I to say 'I give up'? who am I to relent and throw my hands up because I am tired? am I not acting in the face of all I say is true? where is my fruit in the face of this drought? and since when did this become all about ME? So I come home, with the puzzled, slapped in the face kind of heart. And then my neighbor sends over a big bag of yellow banana peppers. (I AM going somewhere with this, I promise..) And I like to can them for a salad I make. So I get out my recipe box and start pulling out ingredients. 

And then laugh. Cause my Daddy knows I need to be thumped in the head every once in a while just to get His point across. It was just like He was saying to me, "Tracy, you see this???? This is ALL I'm asking from you. This much Faith. That's all I need from you. I've got the rest covered." Matthew 17: 14-21 "....Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

And then tonight, as I looked for images for this post, I came across this blog and quote: •A mustard-seed may in fact be small in size, but the miracle is in the relationship between the seed and the reality of the mustard tree. The seed produced phenomenal growth, point blank. Does your faith produce phenomenal spiritual growth in your own life? Does it produce phenomenal results for God’s Kingdom in the spread of the Gospel? That’s faith “as” a mustard seed. So yes - my tree did kind of run away from the water... and my fruit kind of stunk... but I needed that moment of desperation to figure out where I was planted was all wrong. As another song says, you have to be at the bottom before you start looking up. So that's why I wrote it all down. So you can laugh at me or shake your head in disgust. But at the end of the day, so you can see what mustard seed you may be holding that needs to be planted and watered - cause God only needs that much from us, a tiny seed of faith - but the fruit He will bear because we allow Him to work in us... that's where the real fire and beauty comes from.

We're just a small seed that has to be plucked in the head once in a while to figure out where our roots need to be firmly planted...

Passing by

"I forgot my book bag"

"How can you forget your book bag!?! This one time - this is your one time. I'll go back and get it but you need to take responsibility and remember or you'll have to face the consequences next time. Consequences are real life. What if Mommy forgot to pay my car payment...... blah. blah. blah. blah. blah. blah"

So we go home. And return towards the school in a direction opposite of usual. Just a couple minutes to spare.

And there he was. Running. Fast walking. Jogging. Fast walking. Obviously late to school. Obviously upset. Book bag and gym bag over his shoulders. Walking.

I feel that Holy Spirit nudge - 'don't pass by'.

But I keep driving, and take the littles on to school. And then come out to go back home a different way, this way he should have walked. And there he is. Maybe 9th grade. Hurriedly walking to school with only about 5 minutes left to make it and a 12 minute walk ahead. So I pull over and offer him a ride. And he was a sweet kid. Good manners. Appreciative. Ran out to his bus only to watch it pulling away.

Not saying all this to toot my own horn. I'm saying all this just because it has eaten and eaten at me since yesterday.

How many passed him by? And why? Were they late? Were they in their pajamas (which I would have been on ANY other morning except this one)? Or were they scared? Of his age, or of his color, or of both?

Others told me, 'you just have to be careful now'.... 'you just never know anymore'....'it's just too risky'.

But how many others have we passed by because we are scared? How many have I passed by????

The foster child; cause they might have too much baggage for us to handle.

The orphan with a now-treatable HIV; cause just imagine how hard that would be for our friends and family.

The sibling set, cause that's just too many kids for us to feed.

The homeless man outside Burger King, begging for money; cause what if he uses the money for booze?

The neighbor with cancer that may just need someone to talk to; cause I don't have time to invest in someone else's problems.

Sponsoring a child in another country; cause what if the organization doesn't use the money like they say they will?

How many? And why?

Although such a small, small deal - getting a kid to school on time. I don't know if he was a child of God.... but God orchestrated every minute for that moment, so I have to think He had his reasons. Those reasons I may never know. The only day I felt like pulling on my clothes early. The only day we would have been coming up the road in that direction because of a forgotten book bag. I don't know why. But I'm glad I didn't pass a good thing by even if it was risky.

Cause dying on a cross was risky. But thank God, HE didn't pass me by.

Pouty McPouty

What you behold in front of you was the object I hated most in middle school. Except mine were white. And I had big feet. And yet, my dad just knew that the beloved Chucks would turn this awkward, spastic pip-squeak into a mad dribblin ball player.

uh, no. I still stunk. Even with 2 large rubber planks strapped to my feet. Airball queen, I was. I mastered keeping that bench down and firmly rooted to the floor.

(Really funny thing is that when I traded the Chucks in for high heels and a pageant walk, I was entirely more successful. Not to brag, but you are reading the blog of one of THE Lexington BBQ Festival Queens. Just sayin')

But yet, little Braeden. My sweet son whose goal in life is now to be cool (i.e. look like the drummer from Guitar Hero). He begged for new Chucks. And I found them! Uh, sorta. At Goodwill, for $3.50. But also a half size too big. And hence the drama ensues....

Him. "I want to wear my cool shoes"
Dad. "Your cool shoes are too big"
Him. "No they're not."
Dad. "Oh, yes they are. Go change."
Him. (bringing shoes and putting them in kitchen) "Take them back, I don't want them."

The shoes he had a fit over. The shoes he drooled on when he saw. He didn't want them. Because he couldn't have them right now.

So he pouted all morning. Big lip waaaay out. Cried in his bed. "stupid shoes"

On the way to school I chastised him for his pouting. I reprimanded him for his ungratefulness. And then - get this - God smacked me on the behind as well as I heard the words come out of my mouth ---

"You really are so lucky. You wanted those shoes so badly and when Mommy saw them - I knew that you would love them and got them for you, because I love you. Even though I knew you would have to wait to wear them. It doesn't make sense that you would want to give such a gift back just because you have to wait. It doesn't make sense to pout like this. You will have them, just later."

And my big mouth continued - "It's just like with Olivia. God knows I will love her and is giving her to me. He just knows for some reason that I need to wait to have her. She doesn't 'fit' us yet. But it wouldn't make sense to want to give her back because of that......... it....doesn't.....make.....sense.....to....pout.....like.....this? We will get her, just later."

And here is where I take that size 3, big, black rubber sole and chew on it awhile. I'm sorry for pouting Daddy. (but can I have my gift soon??? please???)

When all else fails -- comfort food

The words 'comfort food' may be an understatement.

I had hoped to fill the last few blog posts of glorious details of milk chocolate pudgy fingers, dark brown eyes, and little ringlets....

but instead - you get pasta. Cause that's all I got folks. One baby boy referral in past weeks has led to.... zip. zero. zilch. Floodgates opening turned into, well, not.

And, this week we received an email stating that wait times from DTE to referral had been extended for infant girls to 11-18 months. (we will be 11 months July 27th). When we signed on, the wait times for infant girls was 7-10 months with many receiving their referrals in 5-6 months. Which is why we banked on February 2011 as seeing her face. Then, conservatively, early summer. Now.... who knows! We knew it was coming as things were moving too slowly, just kinda hoped that we would be 'luckier' - but we've been told to go ahead and broader our expectations for longer.

So anyway, since Tony is home now, my desire to cook my heart out (literally) can be appeased without knowing that it would be me eating leftovers for 5 days straight after a real meal. Real as in = not from a can.

So my comfort food of choice is spinach. Some it's mac & cheese; me, I go for the super food. I give you one of my favorites........... eat your broken heart out:

Spinach Manicotti

You'll need:

• 1 pkg manicotti or jumbo shells (I think shells are easier to fill) - cook as directed
• 1 1/2 cups part-skim ricotta (small container)
• 1 cup (4 oz) shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/3 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp pepper
• 1 tsp Italian seasoning (OR I add any fresh herbs I may have - basil, oregano, thyme)
• 1 (10 oz) chopped frozen spinach, thawed and squeeze water out
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 1 egg white, beaten
• 1 jar favorite pasta sauce

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees and boil pasta
2) Combine spices, eggs, cheeses, and spinach
3) Run pasta under cold water to stop cooking and then fill with cheese/spinach mixture.
4) If not using baking clay (which I do, surprised??) -- spray 9X13 with cooking spray.
5) Pour sauce over filled shells and bake for 20 minutes.

**there really is no way to mess this up and it is simple and oh, oh so good. Eat your heart out adoption process..... I'll just use spinach to bulk up my strength again if I have to.

**And yes - those are toasted hot dog garlic breadsticks. Cause we is just so-fist-if-i-cated like that. Keepin it real folks, keepin it real!!

**And P.S. - even if you aren't a spinach eater - you will love this. I MADE my 17 year old babysitter try it and she is now begging me for the recipe. My boys have also come over to the Popeye side of life and love spinach pastas and pizza. Green stuff that's good for you!

The day the excitement died

So you know what?? We are still waiting on our referral! Shocking, I know. BUT, as of last Monday, we were officially

10 Months DTE

Or dossier to Ethiopia. Or ten months from when we celebrated as we dropped that huge package that contained our entire life story, and then some, into that glorious FedEx box. Ten months ago. Gee. And the official time from DTE to referral for a baby girl is/was 7-11 months. Instead of being a little late, I'm, oh, 8 days late in this post as it took almost that long for my kids to finally color their monthly numbers for the photo. They were thrilled.... or not. I think they are a little over our monthly pics. As you can tell. And no - I didn't pose them this time... and the handmade hearts were also completely their idea. And as you can see from the close-up --- I'm thinking that it is starting to sink in that this is taking longer than we had hoped. Across the bottom "We haven't changed in like 6 months" Also indicative of their waning patience would be their total rejection of my ice cream of the month! Gasp!! They wanted no part of it. Didn't even ask the flavor. Just went for the popsicles instead. A true tragedy. Just in case you are again waiting on baited breath, the flavor of the month was :

Late Night Snack

Vanilla ice cream with a caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusters. hmmm. Can you tell we were running low on the pickins after 10 months of variety??? Let's just say that 1) I am very surprised that potato chips CAN stay crunchy in the middle of ice cream and 2) My usual pattern of buying 2 pints for the family has indeed backfired as with the rest of the family on an ice cream hiatus --- I will from hence forth be lugging around Ben & Jerry on my thighs. And I didn't even like them this month that much anyway...

*************************

All joking aside - I know there HAS to be a reason. A reason why our expected February referral still hasn't materialized. A reason why our homestudy is expiring. A reason why we are now caught in court closures. I know God HAS a plan. And it is better than mine. But I also know that no matter how much I try to explain to my kids delays, or waiting times, or closures - they still don't get it. They just want their sister home. And month by month, I've watched their excitement about her turn to frustration. And their hope in God's miracles in bringing her home diminish, bit by bit. And I don't get that. I guess we aren't doing a very good job of 'pumping them up' or being good role models of patience. But it's hard folks. Truly. The miracles may come, and I know we will look back with complete peace about the wisdom of our wait - but it's just hard to see that now. Through the eyes of children or an adult. I've heard countless, well-meaning friends say: "Well, you know God's timing is perfect.." And I know that. And agree that His way is perfect, and is best. Even if I don't like it. But again, even IF we get our referral now, we ARE officially stuck in closures so we wont be able to go to court, at the earliest, until mid/late October. So you tell me ANY mother, who would be o.k. with loving a child she hasn't seen for 9 (or 10 months) giving birth to her baby, seeing her beautiful face and then when the hospital staff says "o.k., now we are going to keep her with us, take good care of her, and send you monthly pictures for the next 4-6 months". No mother would be able to say - "Great!!! Cause God's plan is perfect!! Sign me up for THAT!" It may the best thing in both their interests for right then - but it is not something that her, or me, would be able to smile about and say they are excited about.