Passing by

"I forgot my book bag"

"How can you forget your book bag!?! This one time - this is your one time. I'll go back and get it but you need to take responsibility and remember or you'll have to face the consequences next time. Consequences are real life. What if Mommy forgot to pay my car payment...... blah. blah. blah. blah. blah. blah"

So we go home. And return towards the school in a direction opposite of usual. Just a couple minutes to spare.

And there he was. Running. Fast walking. Jogging. Fast walking. Obviously late to school. Obviously upset. Book bag and gym bag over his shoulders. Walking.

I feel that Holy Spirit nudge - 'don't pass by'.

But I keep driving, and take the littles on to school. And then come out to go back home a different way, this way he should have walked. And there he is. Maybe 9th grade. Hurriedly walking to school with only about 5 minutes left to make it and a 12 minute walk ahead. So I pull over and offer him a ride. And he was a sweet kid. Good manners. Appreciative. Ran out to his bus only to watch it pulling away.

Not saying all this to toot my own horn. I'm saying all this just because it has eaten and eaten at me since yesterday.

How many passed him by? And why? Were they late? Were they in their pajamas (which I would have been on ANY other morning except this one)? Or were they scared? Of his age, or of his color, or of both?

Others told me, 'you just have to be careful now'.... 'you just never know anymore'....'it's just too risky'.

But how many others have we passed by because we are scared? How many have I passed by????

The foster child; cause they might have too much baggage for us to handle.

The orphan with a now-treatable HIV; cause just imagine how hard that would be for our friends and family.

The sibling set, cause that's just too many kids for us to feed.

The homeless man outside Burger King, begging for money; cause what if he uses the money for booze?

The neighbor with cancer that may just need someone to talk to; cause I don't have time to invest in someone else's problems.

Sponsoring a child in another country; cause what if the organization doesn't use the money like they say they will?

How many? And why?

Although such a small, small deal - getting a kid to school on time. I don't know if he was a child of God.... but God orchestrated every minute for that moment, so I have to think He had his reasons. Those reasons I may never know. The only day I felt like pulling on my clothes early. The only day we would have been coming up the road in that direction because of a forgotten book bag. I don't know why. But I'm glad I didn't pass a good thing by even if it was risky.

Cause dying on a cross was risky. But thank God, HE didn't pass me by.

Pouty McPouty

What you behold in front of you was the object I hated most in middle school. Except mine were white. And I had big feet. And yet, my dad just knew that the beloved Chucks would turn this awkward, spastic pip-squeak into a mad dribblin ball player.

uh, no. I still stunk. Even with 2 large rubber planks strapped to my feet. Airball queen, I was. I mastered keeping that bench down and firmly rooted to the floor.

(Really funny thing is that when I traded the Chucks in for high heels and a pageant walk, I was entirely more successful. Not to brag, but you are reading the blog of one of THE Lexington BBQ Festival Queens. Just sayin')

But yet, little Braeden. My sweet son whose goal in life is now to be cool (i.e. look like the drummer from Guitar Hero). He begged for new Chucks. And I found them! Uh, sorta. At Goodwill, for $3.50. But also a half size too big. And hence the drama ensues....

Him. "I want to wear my cool shoes"
Dad. "Your cool shoes are too big"
Him. "No they're not."
Dad. "Oh, yes they are. Go change."
Him. (bringing shoes and putting them in kitchen) "Take them back, I don't want them."

The shoes he had a fit over. The shoes he drooled on when he saw. He didn't want them. Because he couldn't have them right now.

So he pouted all morning. Big lip waaaay out. Cried in his bed. "stupid shoes"

On the way to school I chastised him for his pouting. I reprimanded him for his ungratefulness. And then - get this - God smacked me on the behind as well as I heard the words come out of my mouth ---

"You really are so lucky. You wanted those shoes so badly and when Mommy saw them - I knew that you would love them and got them for you, because I love you. Even though I knew you would have to wait to wear them. It doesn't make sense that you would want to give such a gift back just because you have to wait. It doesn't make sense to pout like this. You will have them, just later."

And my big mouth continued - "It's just like with Olivia. God knows I will love her and is giving her to me. He just knows for some reason that I need to wait to have her. She doesn't 'fit' us yet. But it wouldn't make sense to want to give her back because of that......... it....doesn't.....make.....sense.....to....pout.....like.....this? We will get her, just later."

And here is where I take that size 3, big, black rubber sole and chew on it awhile. I'm sorry for pouting Daddy. (but can I have my gift soon??? please???)

When all else fails -- comfort food

The words 'comfort food' may be an understatement.

I had hoped to fill the last few blog posts of glorious details of milk chocolate pudgy fingers, dark brown eyes, and little ringlets....

but instead - you get pasta. Cause that's all I got folks. One baby boy referral in past weeks has led to.... zip. zero. zilch. Floodgates opening turned into, well, not.

And, this week we received an email stating that wait times from DTE to referral had been extended for infant girls to 11-18 months. (we will be 11 months July 27th). When we signed on, the wait times for infant girls was 7-10 months with many receiving their referrals in 5-6 months. Which is why we banked on February 2011 as seeing her face. Then, conservatively, early summer. Now.... who knows! We knew it was coming as things were moving too slowly, just kinda hoped that we would be 'luckier' - but we've been told to go ahead and broader our expectations for longer.

So anyway, since Tony is home now, my desire to cook my heart out (literally) can be appeased without knowing that it would be me eating leftovers for 5 days straight after a real meal. Real as in = not from a can.

So my comfort food of choice is spinach. Some it's mac & cheese; me, I go for the super food. I give you one of my favorites........... eat your broken heart out:

Spinach Manicotti

You'll need:

• 1 pkg manicotti or jumbo shells (I think shells are easier to fill) - cook as directed
• 1 1/2 cups part-skim ricotta (small container)
• 1 cup (4 oz) shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/3 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp pepper
• 1 tsp Italian seasoning (OR I add any fresh herbs I may have - basil, oregano, thyme)
• 1 (10 oz) chopped frozen spinach, thawed and squeeze water out
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 1 egg white, beaten
• 1 jar favorite pasta sauce

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees and boil pasta
2) Combine spices, eggs, cheeses, and spinach
3) Run pasta under cold water to stop cooking and then fill with cheese/spinach mixture.
4) If not using baking clay (which I do, surprised??) -- spray 9X13 with cooking spray.
5) Pour sauce over filled shells and bake for 20 minutes.

**there really is no way to mess this up and it is simple and oh, oh so good. Eat your heart out adoption process..... I'll just use spinach to bulk up my strength again if I have to.

**And yes - those are toasted hot dog garlic breadsticks. Cause we is just so-fist-if-i-cated like that. Keepin it real folks, keepin it real!!

**And P.S. - even if you aren't a spinach eater - you will love this. I MADE my 17 year old babysitter try it and she is now begging me for the recipe. My boys have also come over to the Popeye side of life and love spinach pastas and pizza. Green stuff that's good for you!

The day the excitement died

So you know what?? We are still waiting on our referral! Shocking, I know. BUT, as of last Monday, we were officially

10 Months DTE

Or dossier to Ethiopia. Or ten months from when we celebrated as we dropped that huge package that contained our entire life story, and then some, into that glorious FedEx box. Ten months ago. Gee. And the official time from DTE to referral for a baby girl is/was 7-11 months. Instead of being a little late, I'm, oh, 8 days late in this post as it took almost that long for my kids to finally color their monthly numbers for the photo. They were thrilled.... or not. I think they are a little over our monthly pics. As you can tell. And no - I didn't pose them this time... and the handmade hearts were also completely their idea. And as you can see from the close-up --- I'm thinking that it is starting to sink in that this is taking longer than we had hoped. Across the bottom "We haven't changed in like 6 months" Also indicative of their waning patience would be their total rejection of my ice cream of the month! Gasp!! They wanted no part of it. Didn't even ask the flavor. Just went for the popsicles instead. A true tragedy. Just in case you are again waiting on baited breath, the flavor of the month was :

Late Night Snack

Vanilla ice cream with a caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusters. hmmm. Can you tell we were running low on the pickins after 10 months of variety??? Let's just say that 1) I am very surprised that potato chips CAN stay crunchy in the middle of ice cream and 2) My usual pattern of buying 2 pints for the family has indeed backfired as with the rest of the family on an ice cream hiatus --- I will from hence forth be lugging around Ben & Jerry on my thighs. And I didn't even like them this month that much anyway...

*************************

All joking aside - I know there HAS to be a reason. A reason why our expected February referral still hasn't materialized. A reason why our homestudy is expiring. A reason why we are now caught in court closures. I know God HAS a plan. And it is better than mine. But I also know that no matter how much I try to explain to my kids delays, or waiting times, or closures - they still don't get it. They just want their sister home. And month by month, I've watched their excitement about her turn to frustration. And their hope in God's miracles in bringing her home diminish, bit by bit. And I don't get that. I guess we aren't doing a very good job of 'pumping them up' or being good role models of patience. But it's hard folks. Truly. The miracles may come, and I know we will look back with complete peace about the wisdom of our wait - but it's just hard to see that now. Through the eyes of children or an adult. I've heard countless, well-meaning friends say: "Well, you know God's timing is perfect.." And I know that. And agree that His way is perfect, and is best. Even if I don't like it. But again, even IF we get our referral now, we ARE officially stuck in closures so we wont be able to go to court, at the earliest, until mid/late October. So you tell me ANY mother, who would be o.k. with loving a child she hasn't seen for 9 (or 10 months) giving birth to her baby, seeing her beautiful face and then when the hospital staff says "o.k., now we are going to keep her with us, take good care of her, and send you monthly pictures for the next 4-6 months". No mother would be able to say - "Great!!! Cause God's plan is perfect!! Sign me up for THAT!" It may the best thing in both their interests for right then - but it is not something that her, or me, would be able to smile about and say they are excited about.

Bestie, BBQ, Beans, and Brownies

I can FINALLY share my pain!! I have been a single mom for about 12 weeks now as the hubs was getting bruised, bashed, and bullied at the police academy. I didn't post about it as well, there are crazy people on the net (not calling any of YOU crazy) - and didn't want said crazy person to know I was by myself for TWELVE.LONG.TEDIOUS.WEEKS. And while the troops at home were pretty well behaved, pretty helpful, and pretty satisfied with the lame excuses that I labeled dinners for those 12 weeks.... I am so, so, SO happy to have him home. And not just cause he takes off the stinky trash (vs. Seth and I throwing it in the back of the Expedition and hence forth having the stink of rotten chicken traveling around with us from now on). And not just cause he is the only one who knows how to iron in the house, and clean the bathrooms well. And not just cause I only cook real dinners when there are two adults who aren't satisfied with frozen pizza or ravioli in residence. But cause I missed my best friend and watching him wrestle, kiss, and play with the kids like I can't. Cause nothing replaces a Daddy. So Daddy, we are so glad to have you home with that badge on your chest, finally! So to celebrate, I am grilling out in true Southern girl fashion tonight. We are originally from the BBQ capital of the world - Lexington, NC. If you have never tried Lexington BBQ, DO. It is primarily a vinegar/ketchup based BBQ and is so moist and tangy that you will crave it. We have seriously had to made BBQ runs for friends in whatever city we were currently living in. And just to show how much I crave it - my oldest child went to the BBQ joint when he was 6 days old - as I couldn't stand being in the house sans pork for any longer than that. Without any more intro, here is our menu for tonight:

Lexington BBQ Style Grilled Chicken Lexington BBQ Baked Beans Coconut Brownies

Lexington BBQ Style Grilled Chicken

You will need: 2 cut up whole chickens (or I just buy a 10 lb bag of quarters when they are on sale) 2 cups cider vinegar 1/4 cup dark brown sugar 1/4 cup vegetable or canola oil 3 T crushed red pepper 4 tsp salt 2 tsp pepper 1) Start in the morning (or night before) by marinating the chicken quarters. I usually pull the skin off to reduce those Southern calories. It's easiest to halve the above marinade recipe into two gallon zip lock bags and do half the chicken at a time. Turning occasionally throughout the day. Chill at least 2-8 hours. (I ran out of freezer bags so just used the rubbermaid, it infuses better with the bags, I think) 2) Remove and discard marinade. 3) Grill with lid on 35-40 minutes.

Lexington BBQ Baked Beans

You will need: 1 roll sausage 1 large onion, chopped 1/2 cup ketchup 1/4 cup favorite BBQ sauce 1 cup brown sugar 3 cans pork-n-beans **I notoriously forget to take photos until I'm cooking mid-stream. So pay no attention to the ground turkey in the photo - but I didn't have an extra sausage to photo! This also explains the opened cans. 1) Cook sausage, drain. Add chopped onion, saute. 2) Add ketchup, BBQ sauce, brown sugar - simmer about 5 minutes. 3) Stir in beans and simmer another 5 minutes. 4) Bake at 400 degrees for 15-20 minutes.

Coconut Brownies

You will need: 1 pkg fudge brownies - prepare as directed 10 oz sweetened, flake coconut 1 pkg chocolate and peanut butter chips (these have gotten hard to find - I had to use half a bag of peanut butter and half a bag of milk chocolate this time) 14 oz fat free sweetened condensed milk 1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 2) Spray 9X13 pan with cooking spray. Prepare brownie mix and bake 16-18 minutes. 3) Layer coconut, then chips, then sweetened milk. 4) Bake until chocolate is melty and coconut is beginning to brown. About 20-30 minutes more. Allow to cool before cutting. And now, dear friends, you know why my husband will always come home to me. Cause the above is the recipe that = true love on all counts.

A Real Champion

Have fun. Honor God. Hustle. -- the team motto. The goal being not only to win - but to train up strong boys to have respect, to love God, and to be role models for others. He loved playing on the team. But as time went on, struggles started to show. Self esteem. Confidence. Domino affect of missed balls and fumbled plays. Traveling on weekends. Finding churches in random towns. Returning home Sunday nights. Until --- he tells me: I miss church. I remind him, we haven't stopped going. Just busy traveling. He tells me: I think that's why I've not been doing good. God is trying to tell me to quit the team. I tell him - then you need to think it over, pray about it, and let us know what you want to do. It needs to be your decision. But why do you think that? He tells me: Church just feels right. Like it is where I am suppose to be. Because I think I have been thinking too much about baseball. And not enough about Jesus. 

Three weeks later, the last tournament of the season. After a good game. With good performance. He tells his Daddy: I think I need to tell coach this is my last game. We have to buy uniforms soon. And I would rather that money go toward bringing home my baby sister. Cause that's more important to me than baseball anyway. I am so proud of my player. Cause I think that in the real game, he stepped up to the plate and he hit a grand slam. And while we will miss the experience and the friendships - the experience of having my son show a maturity and an understanding so beyond his years - that experience will be cherished in this mommy's heart far longer than any trophy gathering dust on the top of a dresser. Who knows what the future holds, or what battles he may face. But to see the way God is starting to work on him already - I can't wait to see what position he plays on HIS team. 1 Corinthians 9:25 "Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."

Bad things come in threes?

Oh Lord, I hope not. The runner-up for first ER visit of 2011 goes to......

Seth

Who won with the assistance of his best friend and a precisely thrown plastic cup. How very nice of them to arrange our visit the same week as Addison's ER debut to cut down on follow-up doctor's appointments for me. At home viewing his freshly glued gash for the first time.Little man was pretty nervous. Pretty scared. Very scared. Scared to death of having to get stitches. Triage nurse says - they can't glue the head. He might be o.k. But might have to have staples. His eyes tear up. ER nurse says - they can't glue the head. He might be o.k. But might have to have staples. He clams up and stares at the TV. Physicians assistant says - they can't glue the head. He might be o.k. But might have to have staples. He completely shuts down and wont speak to anyone. Good old boy country doctor says - We could staple it. hmmm, how you feel about me just gluing it??? Seth says - YES SIR!!!!!!! And breaks out in the biggest smile I have seen in about two years. The Dr. also offered to glue his lips shut to reduce my grocery bill but I declined, seeing that my child is about 1/2 the size of other children his age as it is. Kid got a strawberry milkshake on the way home just to try use the occasion to fatten him up more. And I am SO proud. No ---- not with Seth. With ME. I am a fainter. And have been since high school. I see blood and my heart races and breathing increases. But when you see your 10 year old come out the door with blood running down his face in every direction, and Daddy isn't there to save the day - something about that situation allowed me to stay upright, amazingly. I even washed his entire blood-covered face and hair off to find the gash (which was over an inch long). And it was still bleeding BAD. Chalk one more up to 'things I never want to have to do again'. Especially this week. Or even the next. Braeden will now be wearing a football helmet and pads indefinitely to avoid any semblance of another head injury. I don't want to test the 'theory of threes' any further..